Last night I went to a lovely cafe/gallery called Forest. after last night when I went there to see some music and ended up drinking champange (for free) and dancing in a smoke machine fug.
I ended up smoking spliffs in a courtyard, dancing in a rubber mask, and grinning from ear to ear the whole time.
....then a junkshop where I brought a beautiful old tobacco tin,and then got offered mint tea, cake, a job and a flat in the space of half an hour by the old man owner. When he offered me dinner I decieded it was time to go, but the job could be good. He said just to go in anytime.....
Last week I wrote a email about how much I didn´t get relationships right now, all the jealousies and effort for just a little bit of physical pleasure. But then last night as I was third wheeling along with Natalie and her beautiful Nigerian girlfriend, I looked around at the soft, spangly blue lights in the trees and the ropes of white bulbs between the lamp posts and I imagined looking at the soft light falling on my lover´s face, and then I remembered that´s what it´s all about!
I just watched the Motorcycle Diaries, which I feel perfectly justified about as summer has dumped me,it's wet, cold therefore typically english.
I catch red double decker buses and think in phrases
like ' getting plugged in' to the London scene. I see ads for jobs in scummy pubs and think I could do that,I could again have a life of work 5 days a week,eating chips and drinking beer and hanging out with Laura and the hubby. Living somewhere and gradually amounting too many possessions to bring back with me, having my own duvet, a phone, connections and some kind of romance. But then I watch the motor cycle diaries and think
about being asked what I do and being able to reply 'I'm a traveller' . Travelling is an addiction and the pull of the stable life also feels like an addiction. Yet while the two cannot coexist simultaneously.
I like to think that I could one day have a nice wife to keep house while I'm gone. So I am still here, the thoughts in my heart are inspiring me to move again soon. To travel alone is true freedom, there is no one to get mad at you for being late for the train, no arguments about where to go or what to do next, no headstrong bastard who thinks he knows whats best for me. Why is it that there are so many headstrong, beautiful women who become subdued by some nothing of a man?
And why is this considered a good thing in mainstream society? At the moment I see it everywhere, along with all that is negative in a relationship, the petty arguments, the jealousies..
The other night I dreamt I had this amazing relationship, passionate andbeautiful, but I spoiled it by being jealous and guarded and chaining down my lover through my own insecurities. Jealousy is the ugliest thing.
This was my life running backwards from Edinburgh to London. In between I had many other crazy adventures, but like they say at the end of the film The Neverending Story, " Bastian made many other wishes, and had many other amazing adventures - before he finally returned to the ordinary world. But that's... another story" That comment was the biggest dissapointment for me when I saw that film as a little girl. I think it had some kind of profound effect on my existance.
My return to the ordinary world is nigh.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Mor on Love
I wrote this to some pretty redhead girl on myspace. I never got a reply, I'm not that crazy, still I guess random people sending you stuff seems to be a feature of the internet, and I admit I never know what to do when people message me.
Hi, it's so weird when little acts of serendipity affect your day. I have been looking at all these angles of love, like from a chemical perspective, it's just that, people are like drugs, you become addicted and then, that's it. Your craving for someone, is just the craving for a chemical that you get when around that person. So does that person create the chemical? Is that love? Then you think about how we as humans are so ruled by emotion, but it seems so rare that someone will actually lets go. To give up yourself to someone leaves you so vulnerable. Then I have been studying neoplatonism, which states that love should be rational, harmonic and opposite to this is the irrational, which love hates, yet who ever heard of rational love? Isn't falling in love all about making an arse of yourself? Love is blind, and mad. It is power, control, submission, beauty, aesthetic, intellect, sensitivity and equality. I don't know if I have ever been in love.
I don't know you, I just was bored and liked the look of your picture. Sometimes it's easier to write down the things that are in your head. I guess I wanted to write and say I liked your blog on Romance, but then all this other stuff came out.
So please excuse me
Hi, it's so weird when little acts of serendipity affect your day. I have been looking at all these angles of love, like from a chemical perspective, it's just that, people are like drugs, you become addicted and then, that's it. Your craving for someone, is just the craving for a chemical that you get when around that person. So does that person create the chemical? Is that love? Then you think about how we as humans are so ruled by emotion, but it seems so rare that someone will actually lets go. To give up yourself to someone leaves you so vulnerable. Then I have been studying neoplatonism, which states that love should be rational, harmonic and opposite to this is the irrational, which love hates, yet who ever heard of rational love? Isn't falling in love all about making an arse of yourself? Love is blind, and mad. It is power, control, submission, beauty, aesthetic, intellect, sensitivity and equality. I don't know if I have ever been in love.
I don't know you, I just was bored and liked the look of your picture. Sometimes it's easier to write down the things that are in your head. I guess I wanted to write and say I liked your blog on Romance, but then all this other stuff came out.
So please excuse me
I am a cheater.
I wrote this a while ago and left it sitting as a draft in my email. but I couldn't think who to send it to, and it seems appropriate just to leave it here.
I had my Korean literature class today. We were learning about this type of poetry that only the elite males of the highest social class, and the females of the lowest social class ( like the Geisha) could write.
It's really funny to think of it in terms of the makeup of the community. Although there is this low class of women who are despised by the higher classes, they are the most educated of all the females, and can write poetry that only the highest men can write.
I read the other day that the western concept of love is a fairly new phenomenon. It's really only since the 1800s, in the period before Jane Austen, who in turn popularised it through her novels. Before that time, there was no choice over who you married. Even in Shakepere, most forms of marrige are arranged, or the love aspect of something like a love triangle is resolved by someone quickly having a change of heart to fit the happily ever after bit. I guess you have exceptions in the tragedies, like Romeo in Juliet..
I then went out to a music gig and ended up talking to someone about how your body produces endorphins when you are around someone you love, so therefore that person become like an addiction.
In this kind of Korean soceity, the men married women of their own class, to produced superior offspring, but they had these female entertainers, who were companions on more than just a sexual level. It's such a different idea to the western forms of prostitution.
So I guess the question is, as a woman, would I prefer to be of low social standing, but well educated, or of high social standing, but stupid.
Dilemma, no?
I had my Korean literature class today. We were learning about this type of poetry that only the elite males of the highest social class, and the females of the lowest social class ( like the Geisha) could write.
It's really funny to think of it in terms of the makeup of the community. Although there is this low class of women who are despised by the higher classes, they are the most educated of all the females, and can write poetry that only the highest men can write.
I read the other day that the western concept of love is a fairly new phenomenon. It's really only since the 1800s, in the period before Jane Austen, who in turn popularised it through her novels. Before that time, there was no choice over who you married. Even in Shakepere, most forms of marrige are arranged, or the love aspect of something like a love triangle is resolved by someone quickly having a change of heart to fit the happily ever after bit. I guess you have exceptions in the tragedies, like Romeo in Juliet..
I then went out to a music gig and ended up talking to someone about how your body produces endorphins when you are around someone you love, so therefore that person become like an addiction.
In this kind of Korean soceity, the men married women of their own class, to produced superior offspring, but they had these female entertainers, who were companions on more than just a sexual level. It's such a different idea to the western forms of prostitution.
So I guess the question is, as a woman, would I prefer to be of low social standing, but well educated, or of high social standing, but stupid.
Dilemma, no?
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