Bastian

Last night I went to a lovely cafe/gallery called Forest. after last night when I went there to see some music and ended up drinking champange (for free) and dancing in a smoke machine fug.
I ended up smoking spliffs in a courtyard, dancing in a rubber mask, and grinning from ear to ear the whole time.
....then a junkshop where I brought a beautiful old tobacco tin,and then got offered mint tea, cake, a job and a flat in the space of half an hour by the old man owner. When he offered me dinner I decieded it was time to go, but the job could be good. He said just to go in anytime.....

Last week I wrote a email about how much I didn´t get relationships right now, all the jealousies and effort for just a little bit of physical pleasure. But then last night as I was third wheeling along with Natalie and her beautiful Nigerian girlfriend, I looked around at the soft, spangly blue lights in the trees and the ropes of white bulbs between the lamp posts and I imagined looking at the soft light falling on my lover´s face, and then I remembered that´s what it´s all about!

I just watched the Motorcycle Diaries, which I feel perfectly justified about as summer has dumped me,it's wet, cold therefore typically english.

I catch red double decker buses and think in phrases

like ' getting plugged in' to the London scene. I see ads for jobs in scummy pubs and think I could do that,I could again have a life of work 5 days a week,eating chips and drinking beer and hanging out with Laura and the hubby. Living somewhere and gradually amounting too many possessions to bring back with me, having my own duvet, a phone, connections and some kind of romance. But then I watch the motor cycle diaries and think
about being asked what I do and being able to reply 'I'm a traveller' . Travelling is an addiction and the pull of the stable life also feels like an addiction. Yet while the two cannot coexist simultaneously.
I like to think that I could one day have a nice wife to keep house while I'm gone. So I am still here, the thoughts in my heart are inspiring me to move again soon. To travel alone is true freedom, there is no one to get mad at you for being late for the train, no arguments about where to go or what to do next, no headstrong bastard who thinks he knows whats best for me. Why is it that there are so many headstrong, beautiful women who become subdued by some nothing of a man?
And why is this considered a good thing in mainstream society? At the moment I see it everywhere, along with all that is negative in a relationship, the petty arguments, the jealousies..
The other night I dreamt I had this amazing relationship, passionate andbeautiful, but I spoiled it by being jealous and guarded and chaining down my lover through my own insecurities. Jealousy is the ugliest thing.

This was my life running backwards from Edinburgh to London. In between I had many other crazy adventures, but like they say at the end of the film The Neverending Story, " Bastian made many other wishes, and had many other amazing adventures - before he finally returned to the ordinary world. But that's... another story" That comment was the biggest dissapointment for me when I saw that film as a little girl. I think it had some kind of profound effect on my existance.
My return to the ordinary world is nigh.